Dyscalculia and the Imaginative Mind

I’ve always hated math. It’s not that I’m “just bad at math” – I straight up don’t understand it! No matter how many times I go through calculations or study the formulas, nothing about it makes sense to me. Nothing clicks in place. But it’s not just math that I struggle with. There are other little issues I have too – I have difficulty reading analog clocks, I’m always highly anxious about being late, I have no concept of distance and measurement and I have to hold up my index and thumb on each hand to see which one forms the “L” so I know which is left and which is right. This is how it has always been with me. It’s just a part of my reality.

When I was a little girl it was chalked up to the age-old “she’s just bad at math” and “she just has to study harder”. But I did study hard. I even had tutoring sessions. Nothing worked. Then one day, when I was in 7^th grade, I went to up my math teacher’s desk to get help figuring out a problem. She looked it over and a scowl formed on her face. This was followed by her hastily correcting my work before shoving it back in my hands before loudly berating me in front of the class for being “stupid” and needing to “get my head out of the clouds.”

I went numb. My head lowered while my face burnt with humiliation. I managed to trudge back to my desk but I couldn’t bring myself to lift my head again. The damage had been done. If a teacher said I was stupid, then I assumed that is just what I was. There was no reason for me to try ever again. It didn’t matter – I was just stupid and nothing could change that. From that day forward I didn’t even bother to apply myself with math because it was clear to me at the time that I was a lost cause.

Later, well after I managed to graduate from college, I learned about dyscalculia and it changed my entire perspective. Much like how dyslexia is with letters and words, dyscalculia is a learning disability which effects a person’s ability to comprehend numbers. Every single bullet point of the symptoms matched me to the core. When faced with this revelation, I burst into tears and felt a wave of relief crash over me. I wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t a lost cause. My mind just worked differently.

It’s estimated that between 3-6% of the population is affected by dyscalculia and yet it is still under-diagnosed and not well understood even by educators, who are still only now just learning about this disability. The other fascinating thing I learned about it was that many dyscalculic people score high when tested on language and reading, and tend to be highly creative. So while dyscalculia may have hindered me in mathematics, it allowed me to fully embrace this other wonderful part of my brain. This thing, which I had always viewed as a weakness, had contributed to one of my greatest strengths – my imagination and love for literature. And it is those strengths that have helped me find success and happiness in my life. So if being bad at math is the price for that – I’ll take it!

The struggle to deal with feeling of inadequacies can be suffocating at time, but it’s vital to look beyond perceived shortcomings, be it in ourselves or others, and learn to focus on our talents. I’ve come to accept that I can’t be good at everything and that’s okay! All any of us can do is to try our best and love all the parts of ourselves that make us the people who we are.